Thursday, September 22, 2011

Article on Santorum

Santorum Struggles, But Not With Name Recognition




BY EMA NYMTON
PAHRUMP, NV—Rick Santorum has another problem.

The presidential candidate has sued a Pahrump, Nevada brothel catering to fetish clients. The brothel, called the Soup Kitchen, is taking advantage of Santorum’s recent public campaign against Google to advertise a special it calls the Santorum Stew.

A description of the Santorum Stew is unfit for print here. However, it is related to the use of Santorum to reflect a sexual act.

The complaint, filed last Friday, alleges that the proprietor of the Soup Kitchen, Michael Vitter, no relation to Sen. David Vitter (R-LA), committed libel and benefitted financially from the misuse of Santorum’s name.

 “I’m just trying to get a fair shake,” Santorum said. “Maybe it would be different if it were named after a Democrat, being in Harry Reid’s state.”


Senator Reid's office did not release a statement, though audible laughter was heard over the phone when we tried calling his Capitol office.

Vitter is nonplussed.

“Senator Santorum is welcome to get a ‘fair shake’ here anytime,” Vitter says. “In fact, we might start offering the Santorum Shake, with extra froth.”

Vitter also responded to charges that he’s politically biased.

“I can’t afford to be – it’s bad for business. 80 percent of our clients are registered Republicans.”

Santorum is not the only politician struggling to remove his name from association with sexual acts.

Vitter points to other politicians, including Democrats, whose names are associated with services at the Soup Kitchen

“We offer the Wiener Window, which you probably can’t talk about. Let’s just say it involves webcam photos, voyeurism, a bun, and ketchup. Mustard costs extra.”

The Soup Kitchen offers the Boehner Steamer, a variant of an act named after the city of Cleveland, located in Speaker Boehner’s home state of Ohio. It also offers the Vitter Venetian, referring to the eponymous Senator’s scandal involving Canal Street brothels.

“It’s a bit embarrassing to share a name with that guy,” Vitter admitted. Still, it’s good for business.

This is not the first time controversy has resulted from a brothel’s use of politician’s names.

The Bi Den, a Providence, RI brothel catering to bi-curious patrons, came under the public spotlight when Vice-President Biden was named as President Obama’s running mate in 2008. The Bi Den offered something called the Amtrak special, which involved a person in an engineer’s uniform “blowing a whistle”.

The Bi Den was forced to close when Rhode Island illegalized prostitution in 2009.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Ceiling our fate

(reference guide to screen names) 



GOPBoehner: CEILINGS
GOPBoehner: NOTHING MORE THAN CEILINGS
NancyknowsBo: Yes, John.

GOPBoehner: It's clever because there's a song, called "Feelings"
NancyknowsBo: Damnit John, I got it. I've got every damn song written by Morris Albert.
GOPBoehner: Who?
NancyknowsBo: Forget it. We've got work to do on job creation.
GOPBoehner: Look, Nancy
GOPBoehner: I'm the Speaker now
GOPBoehner: I get to set the agenda.
NancyknowsBo: Congrats on figuring out how to italicize things.
NancyknowsBo: Fine, oh great and powerful and wise adversary.
NancyknowsBo: Speak.
GOPBoehner: Funny - your words seem sarcastic
GOPBoehner: But Mitch told me that we use the slanty stuff for that.
GOPBoehner: Anyway, let's talk about jobs.
NancyknowsBo: sigh
NancyknowsBo: How to destroy them?
NancyknowsBo: I think that was already taken care of last vote.
GOPBoehner: ok, that was definitely sarcasm
GOPBoehner: create them, silly
NancyknowsBo: So you're NOT trying to deliberately destroy the economy in order to win in the 2012 election?
GOPBoehner: ...
GOPBoehner: Nancy
GOPBoehner: I know we've had our differences
GOPBoehner: but you're basically calling me a heartless monster
GOPBoehner: My state has a 10.6 percent unemployment rate
GOPBoehner: which doesn't even count people marginally employed or who've given up
GOPBoehner: California's not doing any better
GOPBoehner: whaddya say - let's team up on this one
GOPBoehner: ... you still there?
NancyknowsBo: John, you seem halfway decent right now. And about as sincere as I've seen you.
NancyknowsBo: But I've got to ask - how do you plan on doing that?
GOPBoehner: Well, I guess we can use the Great Depression as a guide. 
GOPBoehner: we'll keep the "D" word hidden and keep using the "R" word. 
GOPBoehner: No political pun intended, heh.
NancyknowsBo: JOHN
NancyknowsBo: You do realize that you've just presided over a massive cut of government spending.
GOPBoehner: hell yeah!

NancyknowsBo: And you do realize that, historically, government spending has been the only way of stimulating the economy and restoring business confidence following a massive recession.
GOPBoehner: now wait a minute - government spending cuts off access to borrowing for private companies
NancyknowsBo: you would have a point
NancyknowsBo: except that the banks are currently sitting on massive amounts of reserves
NancyknowsBo: continue to make record profits
NancyknowsBo: and are taking all the money they've gotten for giving us crappy assets as collateral to buy ten year bonds
NancyknowsBo: and the private companies that are doing well and have good balance sheets don't want to hire because of uncertainty about future demand
NancyknowsBo: and before you utter any garbage about government debt
NancyknowsBo: yields have fallen 
NancyknowsBo: which means the value of the debt has increased - ask Mitch if you have questions
NancyknowsBo: even as the debt has been downgraded by S&P
NancyknowsBo: and continuing Treasury sales have done well; even the recent 30-year bonds had lower yields than earlier auctions with better subscription
GOPBoehner: er... what's your point
NancyknowsBo: MY POINT
NancyknowsBo: IF I CAN BAKE IT THROUGH YOUR ORANGE, UV-ADDLED HEAD
NancyknowsBo: IS THAT BY INSISTING ON CUTS WITH NO INCREASES IN TAXES
NancyknowsBo: YOU'VE GUARANTEED A DROP IN DEMAND
NancyknowsBo: WHICH MEANS MORE PEOPLE WILL LOSE THEIR JOBS
NancyknowsBo: AND COMPANIES WILL BE AFRAID TO HIRE
NancyknowsBo: AND WE'RE GONNA GO BACK INTO RECESSION
NancyknowsBo: BECAUSE YOUR TURD CAUCUS WANTS TO REPEAT THE MISTAKES OF 1937
NancyknowsBo: AND CUT THE MONEY SUPPLY, CUT GOVERNMENT SPENDING
NancyknowsBo: AND CUT PROGRAMS FOR WHICH THE MULTIPLIER IS HIGHER THAN RICH ASSHOLES SITTING ON CASH
GOPBoehner: why the hell didn't we talk about this before the debt ceiling debate?
NancyknowsBo: WE DID YOU OCHRE ORANGUTAN
GOPBoehner: look Nancy
GOPBoehner: you seem pretty passionate about this
GOPBoehner: but I've got a guy who says that this is the way to go
NancyknowsBo: I don't WANT to listen to your shitty "expert"
NancyknowsBo: We'll talk when you get your head out of your ass.
NancyknowsBo has signed off.
RedGroverRedGrover has signed on.
RedGroverRedGrover: Mr. Speaker, sorry I'm late.
GOPBoehner: I'm afraid you've missed her, Mr. Norquist. 
GOPBoehner: Er, don't take this the wrong way
GOPBoehner: but what precisely are you working toward?
RedGroverRedGrover: I'd love to explain. All I need you to do is sign a little itsy-bitsy, eensey-weensy form...
GOPBoehner: didn't I already sign something for you?
RedGroverRedGrover: this just has a few more additions... don't worry about it...

Monday, June 13, 2011

Weiner's Support Group

(reference guide to screen names) 



Weinertakesall: Hi, my name is Anthony, and I’m a sexting addict.
Luvs2BPampered: hi anthony.
JEEnsignDVM: Hi Anthony
Spitzerswallows: Hi, Anthony. Welcome to sex addicts anonymous.
SanfordandGun: Er, it’s not really anonymous if we all know who we are, right?
Spitzerswallows: That’s not the point, Mark. The point is that SAA is a welcoming, safe environment.
TheGovernator: Yah, and it’s all dicks and no chicks all the time, yah?
Spitzerswallows: Arnold, don’t make me ban you again.
TheGovernator: Yah, be nice, or I’ll schnitzel your wiener, yah?
Wienertakesall: HA HA HA.
BubbaDC: Hey Anthony. Billy here. Welcome to SAA.
Weinertakesall: Thanks everyone, especially you, Mr. President. I guess I’ve hurt your wife as much as I’ve hurt mine.
BubbaDC: Look, Anthony. I like you. I gotta say what I gotta say in public, or, you-know-who will take away my fun privileges.
Weinertakesall: I understand, Mr. President.
Spitzerswallows:  John Edwards
Spitzerswallows:  whoops - I mean JohnE_BeGood still doesn’t have internet access, so I think that’s everyone. Who would like to start?
ChrisLeeNY26: Hi, my name is Chris, and I’m a sex addict.
ChrisLeeNY26: I, too, got caught posting a half-naked picture of myself, while I was soliciting a male-to-female transsexual on Craigslist.
IdahoCraig: Eh?
JEEnsignDVM: Not you, Larry. Craigslist. It's like... a 21st century version of the Morse Code you used for pickups.
ChrisLeeNY26: BTW, it was nice to see that someone else stays in shape.
Wienertakesall: Yeah. I noticed that the right lighting enhances the definition in the abs.
ChrisLeeNY26: Hm… give me some tips OL.
Spitzerswallows: Guys, remember. This is the same line of thinking that got you both into trouble.
BubbaDCHey, does this Twitter thing work? I mean, can a guy get laid using it? It sounds like Weiner got to the point where he could put it in a bun, if you know what I mean. ;) 
Luvs2BPampered: And smother it with chili!
ChrisLeeNY26: …
TheGovernatorSTFU Vitter 
Wienertakesall: Wait, why the fuck do I have to give up my job if this sack of shit is still a Senator?
IdahoCraig: Yeah! WTF?
Spitzerswallows: God, give me the strength to change the things I can, accept the things I can’t, and get through these last few hours of moderator duty.